Frippery » Blog Archive » Twisted Balls And Broken Teeth

June 3, 2008 | Filed in: Daily Dramas, Me, Parenting, Teenagers

So yesterday. Started off prettily crappily as Mondays are wont to do, and then went downhill rather quickly.

It was Monday

It was raining. Yeah, I KNOW we need the rain. I totally get that. I just don’t want it on the roads when I am driving to work. Kthx.

It was Monday and I don’t think the drugs are kicking in.

Just before I leave for work, my eldest spawn approaches me with…an extremely painful testicle. What? You have a what? Oh. Right. Ummm…*think, damnit*

So fast forward to seeing Dr Robert. Who then informs us he thinks said spawn has a testicular torsion. A what? Ewww - that can’t be good?

No, says Dr Robert, it isn’t good. It means the aforementioned testicle has twisted upon itself cutting off it’s own circulation and if the lack of circulation isn’t remedied fairly soon, spawn could end up one sided. Which doesn’t affect future fertility and whatever and so forth, but with spawn being a neat freak, probably doesn’t appeal to his sense of neatness and order, and will drive him insane later in life until he gets himself an implant and sets himself on the road to becoming a plastic surgery addict.

Turns out, an emergency ultrasound is needed, and if it shows a torsion, an emergency operation is required, so spawn had better not eat, just in case he needs his ball cut open and untwisted. Spawn goes white. I go into capable mother mode. Ha! What’s that, you may ask. I have no fucking idea.

Anyway, we proceed to ultrasound clinic. We wait. And out comes a pretty girl and calls spawns name. He faints. Almost.

The jury is still out on whether it is cool to have your balls ultrasounded by a pretty girl, or just fucking embarrassing. We hoped for his sake he didn’t enjoy it TOO much….because THAT would be embarrassing.

It’s clear - the ultrasound. Phew. So no operation. Probably a torn ligament or infection, to be confirmed when the blood tests return. So we threw some antibiotics down his throat and made him rest it. Resting a testicle. Is that an odd concept, or is it just odd to me?

Anyway, so then I celebrated like only I can, by eating a bread roll because by then I was starving, and breaking my front tooth off in the roll and eating it. The tooth. Let’s hope that doesn’t come back to bite me. (cue uproarious laughter).

Later on in the evening, I ate some almonds, because I love almonds, and a molar shatters. So I guess it’s off to the dentist.

Awesome.

Fuck, I hate Mondays.

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18 Comments so far
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Oh my word… oww. I hope it’s nothing serious.

The pretty girl thing? I think they do that on purpose. A friend of mine recently needed to have his vasectomy stitches removed and was bemused by the fact that it was done by a very pretty nurse displaying a LOT of cleavage as she bent over to do the job. That was all he’d tell me….

Ozfemme: Yeah, it’s a little evil I think - fortunately I think my kid survived the embarrassment. I just thought it was funny, because that’s the kind of sympathetic parent I am.
S

Sorry to hear about your teeth too! Hope the bill isn’t painful….

Here’s a thought, give us a big smiley picture before the work gets done… classy!! lol

Ozfemme: Dental bills are always painful! And no way will there be photos - so you can forget that! It looks disgusting.
S

Sorry that your Monday sucked but now I have to get an ultrasound done. I hope the lube is warm.

Evyl: Dude, that’s not good. Unless you have a honey of an ultrasounder, and of course, warm lube. Good luck!
S

[…] Suze […]

Trackback: Hello Trackback. Just replying to you so you didn’t feel left out.
S

“it is cool to have your balls ultrasounded by a pretty girl, or just fucking embarrassing.” This sentence is one of many reasons I enjoy your blog. haha.

Sassy: Well, it IS one of life’s great questions!
S

just in case he needs his ball cut open and untwisted.
Oh, God, no.
I’m laughing here because like you, I phucking hate Mondays.
Doesn’t even matter if it’s raining, they all blow.
Thanks for the visit, Suze
~m

~m: Yes, you’re right, they do. They should be banned. Of course, then I’d just hate Tuesdays I guess.
S

Agreed that Mondays suck balls…oops, Freudian slip? LOL

Hope your mouth is okay and the rest of the week doesn’t bite (pun intended)

Tiff: Oh now who’s being the smart one?
S

I hope your teeth get fixed without much pain to your mouth or your wallet.

LMAO at the ultrasound. Poor kid. The best sympathy is to take the piss aye? lol

Bettina: Oh it’s going to be extremely painful, I just know it! I hate dentists. And it’s reciprocal.
S

Bahahaha… I’m not laughing at your son’s injury, because even I’m not that slack. I’m laughing at the ultrasound and what I *know* probably happened and he so isn’t telling you.

Shit a brick, the molar is a bastard. Both pain wise and pain to the hip pocket.

Anja: Oh just don’t go there - I really don’t want to know what *probably* happened! Yep, I think the hip pocket is going to be hellishly more painful than the mouth somehow.
S

Highly amusing… because it wasn’t happening to anyone I know!

Poor little bugger… and I’m surprised no one (yourself included) has mentioned having his balls in a sling…

Great descriptive work too. Not much said, but more than enough to get the images across!

I have an image of a little nut-cushion now. Frilly around the edges and laces with velvet… just the perfect thing for resting the family jewels on.

Cheers.

Mr V: I need a mark out of 20 And wow, I could start an online shop - nutcushions…
S

Ouch - on both counts.

Nasty.

No wonder you don’t like Mondays!

Cellobella: Hate them. Bad things always happen on a Monday. So it is written.
S

Oh dear!!! Gives tiwsted a whole new meaning doesn’t it??
Sounds fucking painful and {contrary to popular belief} I don’t have balls.
Mind you, if I did, they’d be twisted like the rest of me I’m thinking.
Hope his poor little gonad gets better soon. And your molar of course…
What is it with the nuts in your house giving people a hard time anyway???

A-Mum: HA! I didn’t think of the nut connection, stupid me. And yes, you’re definitely twisted But in a good “I wanna be like her when I grow up” kind of way.
S

hahahaha I shouldn’t laugh but I am .. I would hate fucking Mondays too after that..

Dave had to have an ultrasound on his balls as well as his nipples recently.. He was extremely relieved when the ‘tech’ was a bloke..and because I was also in capable mother mode at the time I resisted the impulse to mention the possibility that the ‘tech’ could be gay..

phew glad your boys balls are ok.. how stale was the bread???

Kim: Oh you should totally have told him! And the bread wasn’t stale - It’s actually a cap that’s fallen off
S

Bwaaaa haaaaa haaaaaa!

Sorry.

But that was fucking funny. And I know funny. I am a clown fish. Or something. Whatever…

Smootches.

Kelley: You are totally NOT sorry for laughing, I can tell And wtf is a clown fish?
S

I am wincing in sympathy with your son just at the whole idea of having a twisted nut. Ouch!!!

Ian: Yeah I know, hurts just thinking about it!
S

ouch on both counts …my son would be every embarrassed and I doubt he had let a ‘girl’ u/s him.
Thank goodness it was okay !
How’s the tooth?

Trish: Yep - he’s fine The front tooth has been fixed and only cost me half the cost of Australia gross national debt. Bloody dentists are SO expensive!
S

gosh my grammar is shocking …

Trish: That’s OK, I’m sure mine is lousy too!
S

[…] I am livid. I mean, Big Brother? Haven’t I taught him better than that? Elder spawn of the might-have-been-twisted-testicle has always been so good with his phone (even better now he works 3 shifts a week after school at […]

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Who am I? Among other things I am a mother to two rather large teenage sons, wife to an IT geek husband, step mother to another enormous teenage son, and feeder, ball thrower and companion to an over excited labrador. Jealous? Didn't think so...there's also some more stuff about me here

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