Todays advice on Office Etiquette concerns the practice of standing on ones desk. Perhaps you might be intending to check how well the dysfunctional office heating is working, or not working as the case may be, by leaping effortlessly and catlike up onto your desk and thrusting your hand in the vent.

Or something like that. I’m just guessing here. Anyways, it’s all good in theory, but should it ever become a reality here is some advice.

Firstly, it is a good idea to remove any high heels, and be sure you have your footing before standing up. Otherwise, you may find you wobble and slip a bit, and then collapse onto the edge of the desk, your full weight being on your dodgy knee (the one with the kneecap you dislocated on the tow bar of a car years ago while lifting a slab of beer into the back of the car).

And of course should the above happen, the knee will give way, causing your skirt to want to bunch up somewhere all together too high to be seemly for office wear, like your neck. Obviously, to attempt to prevent having the same close personal relationship you share with your gynaecologist with the rest of your colleagues (remember, however nice they may be they are not medical professionals, unless of course you work in a hospital and even then, it’s still not wise), you will need to clutch at it (the skirt, not your neck).

This will in turn, cause you to slip further off the desk. Ultimately of course, you will begin an extremely ungraceful descent from the aforementioned desk. Do not grasp at the first solid object you see to save you, such as your chair, as when you get some weight on it, you will of course realise with a sickening feeling that it is on wheels, just as it skates out from under you and ricochets across the office, hitting the company accountant in the rear end.

Chances are that you will then land awkwardly on the floor with one of your previously cast off high heels embedded in your nether regions, with your skirt up to your hips and an extreme look of embarrassment on your face. Not to mention the extremely up close and personal relationship you didn’t want, but now have, with the accountant. Who is also a pig.

Naturally, I am not suggesting this happened to me at work today, as I am always a shining example of corporate professionalism and glamour. I’m just telling you all this in the interests of public safety.

Indeed.

Done anything klutzy lately?